ConAgra Hasn’t Written Me Back Yet

Usually, when you write to a company, you get a response accompanied by wonderful, wonderful coupons. I didn’t even get a response after sending this to ConAgra back in March. I’m going to boycott their delicious products until I get a response or visit a country that sells their products, whichever comes first.


Canned ambrosia. Canbrosia.

To Whom It May Concern,

Here’s a little backstory about myself; during my childhood, summer meant being home alone, as my parents were usually working. My daily lunch ended up being the most convenient and delicious thing available, which was Beefaroni. If Beefaroni wasn’t available, I would eat cereal, but that has no bearing on this story so feel free to disregard this sentence.

I am going to be making a blog post on my highly popular website, which is viewed by dozens of people every year. This post will be about eating Beefaroni directly from the can without heating it. Before I post this game-changing piece of literature, I wanted to see if Chef Boyardee has any official stance on eating Beefaroni without heating it. I contend that eating Beefaroni directly from the can without heating it shouldn’t be considered to be a bad thing. I once saw a homeless man eat a pigeon. The previous sentence has no bearing on the story, but I thought that I would throw that out there since it was pretty traumatizing.

I live in Japan now, and Beefaroni is apparently illegal here, otherwise it would surely be sold at every supermarket.

If you sent me/gave me permission to use a really nice picture of a can of Beefaroni on my blog, it would be almost as good as the real thing. If you sent me the real thing, it would be as good as the real thing, and that would be great because the real thing is great.

Your biggest fan, (in terms of love for the product and not BMI)
Eli Wendlick

P.S. I can understand if Chef Boyardee doesn’t wish to associate with me, but I cannot understand why Beefaroni is so delicious.

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