“When a man becomes a cop, they become more than a man – they become a cop.”
– Geralt Dubbeldaun, America’s first cop.
Truer words have never been spoken, except in part 1, part 2, part 3, and part 4 of the thrilling non-fiction story of Cop Law. This is the fifth and final part of Cop Law – Justice Never Stops Coming.
The preacher stopped texting and stepped forward, then blessed everyone in attendance and said “you may be seated”. Dash didn’t hear the contents of the wedding, as this joy was nearly as great as the feeling that comes from upholding the law. Dash’s mind was swimming in bliss, and was finally pulled back with the words “…your lawfully wedded wife”, which sent his heart into a frenzy. A bead of sweat ran down his forehead, as something in his pants had been awakened. His underpants were the first line of defense, but were quickly overrun. The belt line, too, fell to the might, but the erection was stopped and held in place by the salmon-colored cummerbund “The perfect crime” Dash mused to himself and began laughing, but promptly stopped since he wondered if he actually was perpetrating a crime. Dash heard the preacher say “…if anyone has any objection as to why these two should not be married, speak now, or forever hold your piece”.
The objection came in the form of a gunshot from the back of the church. The audience watched as the bullet flew towards the front of the church, and finally hit the stained glass window behind the pulpit. This frightened the doves, which began to cry. They broke free of the cages and flapped up to rafters where they systematically collided with each other and fell in front of the source of the shot. The entire congregation turned around to find the source of the bullet, and gasped in unison. The resulting vacuum pulled out the pink eyes from some of the weaker doves.
Dash couldn’t believe his eyes nor his ears. He still had a fair amount of faith in his other 4 senses, but they didn’t help him discern whether or not he was looking at the Don, or at a ghost. “Thought you could stop me, Dash?!” Don Crimonoli bellowed, waving a Derringer around liberally, which really upset the conservative Dash. “Don’t you see, Dash! Crime always wins!” Dash realized that he and the Don had never formally been introduced, and it’s a crime to withhold your ID from a police officer. Dash gritted his teeth in anger, and his blood coursed throughout his body with amazing pressure, making the veins on his arm stand up and wiggle.
“I’ve paid off every judge in town, Dash! There’s no way to stop me! What are you going to do, ARREST ME?” With those words spoken, Dash’s cummerbund broke and his erection was released like a mighty genie from a lamp. He stood there in front of everyone he loved, with a penis that would pass a surprise inspection with flying colors. His gardener raised an eyebrow. “This time, it’s personal!” Dash yelled, and hurled himself down the aisle towards the stunned Don, whose eyes were transfixed on the hypnotic oscillations of Dash’s littlest partner. The entire audience began chanting “Dash! Dash! Dash!” as he moved towards the now terrified Don. Don Criminoli ran to the back of the church and up a side aisle, trying desperately to escape the throbbing justice thrusting towards him. As Dash was closing in, he was receiving supporting ass slaps that helped propel him even faster, and when he hit the corner to run around the pews, his legs initiated a helicopter movement in his unit. As it spun faster and faster, and the ass slaps from his friends and family became more and more passionate, Dash was rapidly closing in on Don Criminoli, yet despite all of his support, Dash couldn’t quite reach him.
Then, a miracle happened.
Grandma, using all of the strength her tiny body could muster, swung a hymnal with expert timing and landed a hit on Dash’s left cheek, which sent muscle shuddering and rippling all the way to his front, which swung his member around with sufficient force to send him airborne. He gained altitude, propelled by his penis which rapidly swung counter-cockwise, and closed the gap towards the man foolish enough to think that he could crime at Dash’s own wedding. In the air, he craned his head back like a glorious law-loving swan, arched and dove back down, and landed on the Don’s back as he attempted to duck the impending strike. There was a pop that echoed throughout the wooden beams of the old church.
Dash had performed the world’s first penile epidural.
Don Criminoli realized the dire situation he was in, and also the dire situation that was in him. His face was twisted in pain, and he frantically tried to make sense of the what had just happened. Gathering his wits about him, he remembered his time as a child and how his doctor had warning him that crime leads to pain, suffering, and allergies. The allergies manifested later in Don Criminoli’s life in the form of semen allergies. “Please don’t ejaculate in me, I am allergic to sperm. Just one drop can kill me.” the Don said, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead and accumulating at his bushy eyebrows. He panted and flailed like a captured animal. However, Dash wasn’t about to show pity to the man who crimed the entire city, but to kill a man in a church was against God’s law, and maneuvering outside to do it would be too difficult since Dash would likely slip out before he made it even halfway.
Dash looked back towards the chief, the man who had taught him that he must use his position of power to impose justice on everyone. “Everyone is a criminal, but some criminals just haven’t perpetrated their crimes yet.” the chief would often say. “Crime, if allowed to hide, festers and blooms. You must go out and put everyone in jail before this happens, for the sake of freedom.” At the time, Dash couldn’t have possibly appreciated the sage advice of the chief as much as he did now, but nothing had prepared him for a situation involving his penis shattering the spine of a semen-allergic crimelord at his wedding. Dash only knew how to arrest, not how to dispense justice. He felt a pat on his shoulder and looked up. It was the chief, ready to give fatherly advice just when he needed it.
“Dash, don’t you go soft on me.”
Something changed in Dash, and it was probably the amount of semen in his body, but he snaked his head around to look the Don in his eyes to deliver his final message. “You killed my partner” Dash said, “But justice always comes back, and it’s coming in your back right now.”
The next moment played out in a flash for Dash. He stood up in a daze and looked down at the dying Don, who queefed a few times from the hole in his back. Dash started laughing stronger and heartier than ever before. His children began to cheer and ask their mom what had just happened. “Your daddy passionately came in the back of another man and killed him, children” she happily replied. The kids cheered more. Dash’s grandmother made her way towards Dash. He saw her and ran over to her, flapping around limply. “You did the world a great service” she said. She spit onto a rag and began blotting off some miscellaneous fluids. “Get a load of this guy! He certainly got his comeuppance!” she announced, to which the children all put their hands on their hips and in varying degrees of sass said “Graaaaaandmaaaa!”
Dash was amused. “That was a pretty good one Grandma, but I’m being serious now. If you make another lewd joke like that I am going to have to arrest you on public lewdity charges, which carry a maximum penalty of 3 years in hospital. Do you know what happens in hospital?” Grandma’s smile immediately disappeared and her normally rosy face went to the color of come. “I’ll be good”.
Dash heard someone clear their throat directly behind him. It was stronger and more masculine than his wife’s throat clearing. Dash turned and saw his slightly smoldering partner. “You’ve just made a back baby!” Babyback joked. “Babyback! I thought that you were dead!” Babyback winced at the pain of a small fire on his shoulder, but brushed it off. Dash ran over to the lightly singed Babyback and gave him a large hug. Dash’s wife rushed over and tucked Dash’s penis back into his pants, pulled a clean napkin out, and dabbed the stain on left on Babyback’s crotch. Babyback was surprised at how well Mrs. Lookswell was able to take care of men, so he cast a wide-eyed glance over to Dash, and Dash shot back a smarmy glance of his own while wagging his head and popping his collar.
Throughout the course of event, O’Leary was watching and taking notes while speaking to himself. “Homicide, lewd conduct, threatening the elderly, grand theft auto, public ejaculation….” O’Leary ran towards Dash to confront him, took a break to rest, and then got up and continued his run. Dash watched as O’Leary made his way over, and was prepared to deal with his unique brand of annoyance. “Dash, I’ve compiled a list of crimes committed by you that could lock you up for years.” Babyback saw the situation and reached for his gun, but Dash put his hand in front of him and shook his head “no”. “Let him finish.” Dash said calmly. “These crimes far outweigh anything criminals would have done, even if they had free reign of the city”. Dash was losing interest and began to think if there was such a thing as free rain, and if he could prosecute anyone for theft of rain. The chief had been listening to the conversation, and felt that in his chiefly duties, he had to put a stop to O’Leary’s flagrant abuse of power.
“O’Leary, how long have you been on the force?” the chief quizzed, quizzingly. “I’ve been with the department for nearly 15 years, sir”. The chief followed up with “..and how many criminals have you killed?”. O’Leary was shocked that the chief would bring up this topic. “I…I have shot and killed one after he pulled a gun on me. I didn’t want to.” The chief nodded understandingly. “Dash and Babyback have killed nearly 5 today. That is 5 people who will never again commit crime again, whereas you go out in your patrol car and allow any old person to jaywalk or perform public lewdity.” O’Leary’s jaw hung slightly open, eyes fixed on the chief. The chief reached forward for O’Leary’s notebook, taking it in his bloodied hands and ripped it apart. “I expect to see a letter of apology on my desk Monday morning, O’Leary” the chief said before he pushed past the visibly shaken man. Dash and Babyback high-fived, and put on sunglasses, then lifted the sunglasses to stare at O’Leary as they walked past him, following the chief.
Dash looked towards his new wife, whose legs were undulating with anticipation of a glazed honeymoon. Marriage is about sacrifices, Dash recalled reading on a fortune cookie, and asked his wife if she would be willing to give up her honeymoon so he could go de-crime the city. Babyback and the chief cast a sad face towards the chief’s daughter. She saw how much upholding the law meant to them, and gave in with a smile. “Go on, get outta’ here you crazy brolice!” she said to her new husband and his new partner. Dash turned towards Babyback, and Babyback turned 270 degrees towards Dash and threw a high five that Dash caught. They simultaneously said “yesss” with a drawn-out hiss before turning towards the church exit. Dash turned around, and with momentum towards the door still affecting him, hopped a few times and managed to blow a kiss to his wife. Babyback shouted “Thank you Mrs. Lookswell! You’re swell!”. The chief’s daughter looked down to see how visible her steroid gift was before remembering the other meaning of “swell”.
Babyback and Dash ran out into the street and stared up at the sun. It was a bright day, made even brighter by the still-burning Hummer. They were ecstatic from the myriad of de-criming options available to them, and with perfect timing they witnessed a Ferrari do a rolling stop through a stop sign. They happily ordered him from the vehicle and handcuffed him to the stop sign, read him his Miranda rights, and asked him if he understood. He replied “yes” and caught two boots to the stomach for backtalking an officers of the law. Today had been Dash’s happiest day of his entire life, excluding arrest your daughter to work day.
Just thinking about all the crime in the city and how he and Babyback could eliminate all the people perpetrating it filled him with such a sense of power. They got the keys to the Ferrari, jumped in and fired up the engine, and blew through several stop signs. “Do you feel it?” Babyback yelled above the roar of wind from open windows. “That’s the wind of crime blowing away justice.” Dash openly expressed his disappointment at the statement with a large frown, but suddenly remembered what Babyback always said. “That may be…” Dash said, with a powerful pause, looking up directly at the setting sun, “….but justice never stops coming.”