Dear Diary

Dear diary,

Jessica took my picture today. We are now friends.

I visited her last night and watched her sleep. She was so peaceful.
She has a lot of nice things in her home, and I tried really not to take anything, but ended up taking a pair of tweezers. I hope she won’t miss them.

signed, Smegmadee

Dear diary,

My favorite pair of Bugle Boys got another rip in them. I guess that’s why they call Portland “Rip City”! I told mom this joke and she said that I should become a comedian because my she laughs in my face. Mom is so supportive.

I saw Jessica in class again today. I was going to make her a sandwich, but we ran out of ketchup. I watched her the whole class, but she must not have seen me, so I couldn’t tell her about the sandwich. I’ll make one and leave it in her mailbox sometime later tonight.

signed, Smegmadee


Dear diary,

I watched Maury this morning. Dad looked great.
I wanted to call Jessica and tell her about it, but she said that she couldn’t give me her number because she doesn’t have a phone. I don’t have a phone either, so I decided to write a letter. I will slide it through her window later tonight.

Today her garbage contained old bread, a toothbrush, an unopened CD of Vanilla Ice’s Greatest Hit, and some receipts to Fred Meyer’s.
I’m confused by the receipts because they say that she buys shampoo but I still have yet to find an empty bottle.

signed, Smegmadee


Dear diary,

Today I went to the library and took a nap. I woke up 8 hours later completely refreshed, and ready to try my hand at some Shakespeare, but didn’t understand anything he had written.

I went to Safeway and bought the biggest jo-jo I could find, and ate it while sitting between the vending machines. While I was back there I found a dollar, so I went and bought two more jo-jos and they gave me a mayonnaise packet as a prize!

After I finished the last jo-jo I realized that I should have gone to Jessica’s house and asked her if she wanted a bite. She would have been so happy.

signed, Smegmadee


Dear diary,

Grandma was released today, just in time for her 45th birthday. She was on vacation for two counts of reckless endangerment of a child, one count of assaulting an officer, and one count of attempting to evade police.
While on a walk with two of my baby brothers, she propositioned an officer. When he laughed it off, she spit on him, which apparently is assault in Oregon. She then attempted to run away while dragging my baby brothers, which was the two counts of reckless endangerment.

We bought everyone a Hostess cupcake and a candle, and we are going to have party.

The last time I ate sugar was in July, so I am getting pretty excited.

Speaking of police, I am not allowed to visit Jessica anymore, but I think that just means that I cannot be seen, so I will be extra careful from now on.

signed, Smegmadee

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