North Korea Moves Forward In Their Ambitions to Be the World’s Greatest Superasshole

North Korea, in an unprecedented act of brilliance, has decided to concede their nuclear ambitions and adopt a government that “values individual spirit, while rooted in Communist ideals” akin to that of China.
Kim Jong Un is Never Hungry
Just kidding. They are acting like jackasses again.

Literally a day after writing an update on their missile/satellite ambitions, it has been discovered a large tunnel has appeared in the area where they test nuclear weapons. Large mounds of dirt had been identified as far back as March, and it is now speculated (read; accurately predicted) that they will use the international condemnation of their missile launch as an excuse to act like hardasses and detonate another nuclear weapon to force more food aid out of America.

China is the largest supplier of food aid to North Korea, yet apparently brokered a deal back in February that North Korea would stop nuclear ambitions if America gave them lots of nutritional aid. With zero surprise to anyone, North Korea once again will renege on their deals, citing “American imperialism” and “The puppet state of traitorous dogs of false Korea” while alluding that all of this could have been avoided if Bill Clinton had spent billions of dollars giving them nuclear reactors back in the 90s, or George W Bush could have prevented this by not calling them a terrorist-supporting rogue state for supporting other rogue states in a very terroristy sort of way.

Every situation with North Korea ends up with the news reporting that China “stopped short of condemning the act”. China loves to wash their hands of any responsibility and use any opportunity to place blame on the US, so it can be expected that China will not directly tell North Korea “Don’t be crazy” but rather tell America “Stop making them crazy”. A war in the region is unwanted by everyone, so China’s actions are likely their funky way of functioning amicably and taking on the role of mediator.

The launch is now expected to happen on Thursday due in part to favorable weather, the missile being loaded with fuel, and Thursday being the day Kim Il Sung emerged from his golden cocoon and blanketed the country in the silken threads of auspiciousness. We’ll see what happens with the missile, and how it’s failure or success can be spun into either US intervention or juche ideals, respectively.

2 thoughts on “North Korea Moves Forward In Their Ambitions to Be the World’s Greatest Superasshole

  1. Launch failed on Friday morning. Now North Korea is buttmad at America for refusing to give them food.

    From CNN – 「Tuesday Pyongyang made it official, blaming Washington for “hatching all sorts of dastardly tricks to prevent the peaceful nature of the (Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s) satellite launch from being confirmed objectively” and imposing on the U.N. Security Council “its brigandish demand that the DPRK should not be allowed to launch even a satellite for peaceful purposes.”」

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