You eat a Mexican platter before getting into your car and driving to the mountains to go hiking. During the hike, you snack on almonds to tide you over until dinner. Dinner is a pizza buffet, and you certainly get your money’s worth. You drive home, get undressed, and notice that you had forgotten to eat a shrimp cocktail that had been sitting on the kitchen counter from before you left. You finish that off and jump into bed. The instant your head hits the pillow you embark to dreamland.
In your dream, you are playing the drums. You are pretty good at it, and drum faster and faster, more and more passionate and feverish. A strange feeling begins to creep in with each successive hit. You wake up abruptly and find that you have kicked the covers off. Sweat is pouring down your brow.
The baby is coming.
You rush into the bathroom and brace yourself. Waves of pain hits your lower intestines. You are grunting now, unsure if there is any progress. Thoughts of Elvis with his eyes rolled back into his head rush through your mind and you grip the underside of the seat and do your best to position yourself.
Then, for a moment, time stands still. It’s the moment after biking up the hill that you are able to see the downward slope on the other side. It’s the moment when you finish your taxes and find that you have several thousand dollars coming back to you. It’s that moment when you touch the universe.
Then, an explosion.
The resulting blast occurs with so much force that you are lifted slightly. Alternating blasts of matter and escaping pockets of gas erupt from you like a clumsy symphony. You feel your bodyweight returning to normal as the minutes pass. You have to cup your balls so they don’t accidentally touch the mountain which is now completely obscuring all of the water in the toilet bowl.
One Million Moms