A reminder from Linkedin arrived, which means that I must attempt contact with the wonderfully illusive Ms. Sheila Paquette once more! Will she respond and end this string of E-mail correspondence? (spoiler: she didn’t)
You can read parts three, two, and one if you want to actively become dumber. A man of my caliber lives an exciting life; one of fine cuisine, adventure, and sportsmanship. One of my favorite sports is Russian Roulette, which I rarely lose.
After a long night of gambling my life away, I decided to call it a day and return home with my ample winnings. My driver seemed a bit shaken up as I began to shake him upon finding that he had not restocked the car’s brandy stores. He failed to calm down so I opened up the door and ditched him, making it the first time I drove myself home since the previous time I threw him into a ditch.
I entered the house and was greeted by my servants who had all lined up at the door as per my requirements. I knew that they had good news for me, because they didn’t cringe when they saw me. The good news was that I had received electric mail, and that the mail was from Linkedin.
My eyes began to bulge with such surprise that my very eyelids were pushed to their tensile limit as they struggled to keep my eyes from bursting out of my head. The servants misread my squinting eyes and crumpled face as the same expression I make before giving them a proper broom swatting, and quickly took their leave. One remained with an anticipatory grin which I found particularly disturbing.
Please understand that I find correspondence to be one an activity of utmost seriousness, and therefore prepared by donning my frilled reading suit before it dawned on me that it had literally been scores of minutes since my last glass of brandy. Reading mail before consuming brandy is as poorly thought out as a polo match where a tipa is broken in the second chukker, yet a hook leads into multiple line-ins!
I quickly changed from my frilled reading suit into my Italian drinking tuxedo and ordered a nearby servant to bring me a self-invented cocktail that I have dubbed the “Nixon”, which is equal parts 1969 brandy and 1974 brandy to commemorate his time in office. As I finished my 7th Nixon in as many minutes, I asked a servant to orate the mail that I had received earlier. Upon learning that it was in regards to Sheila Paquette, I smiled and gently drifted off to slumber through an antique glass coffee table.
I awoke with a bang and shot to my feet. Looking down at the fresh bullet-hole in the floor, I remembered two things; I must secure all handguns before going to bed, and also that I had received a “Linked In Reminder” from none other than Sheila Paquette herself! I quickly changed back into my frilled reading suit, which doubles as a frilled writing suit, and hastily made my way to my office.
Due to too much Nixon, a previous computer had found itself thrown out of office and broken on my pool’s water gate, leaving quite a mess. Therefore, I had reverted to a sturdier Compaq computer which could have withstood falling out of an airplane while receiving only minor damage, and therefore easily shrugged off my haphazard hits as I worked the keyboard. My hands flitted like drunken butterflies, working each key and the surrounding keys and then the backspace key to formulate a response to the reminder that Linkedin had sent to my electric mail address.
8 minutes later, my composition was finished;
“Hello Ms. Paquette, how may I help you?”